Paradox in Flesh.

What the hell is wrong with today? Seriously, I don't know anyone who's had a good day today!

My sister not only had her request for a schedule change at work denied, but was asked when she would leave. She explained she could keep working regular hours, and they said they'd think about it. So...she's facing losing her job now. She's already gotten out of her lease and is planning on moving in with a friend to cut down costs. She's not sure if she can afford to continue school either, without the job. My poor sis is very upset, and I don't blame her. I myself want to find her boss and deflate her tires or something...not that I get vengeful and angry when people fuck with the ones I love. Thank goodness my common sense and conscience get the better of me. Anyway...

And then there's everyone else...they're depressed, they've lost kittens, they're sick...bleah.

I tend to suck up other people's bad moods. I'm trying not to, although I really didn't wake up in a good mood to start with. Right now, Charlie is looking at me all adorable, so that helps :) I also managed to go grocery shopping, and while I bought way too much (it had been so long since I'd shopped thoroughly), at least I have orange soda and bunny-shaped crackers.

I'm so tired. I might work on cards and other light fare tonite. Maybe a cheery Xmas movie would help (funny cheery, not annoying cheery.) Last night I put almost 300 photos on a digital frame for my grandmother (present from the family.) That took me down memory lane - we really have had wonderful Christmases and barbecues and days by the lake and all that.

Well, Mom wants my help on something...

...ok, well, she came to me with good news, at least! My sis will sleep over on Xmas Eve again, which makes me happy. And we made a nice profit on a clock, and the customer is happy with her purchase and not returning it. We tried out the digital frame and it looks fantastic.

I think I'll balance my account tonite. I think my account is safe, but still stretched quite tight. I'm still up in the air about whether to dip into savings for a new computer after Xmas. This one's driving me batty, but it does still work...usually. Netbooks are pretty cheap, but will they suffice for the work I do on them? I can't afford the nice ultraportables/ultralites, but I need something lightweight and easy to carry. I can't quite find anything like what I have now, a 4.5 year old Averatec ultraportable. The screen's bigger than the netbooks, but smaller than ultralights. Very nicely, it has a built in optical drive.

Wow I'm totally rambling. Better go do something productive now.

Want a Xmas/Holiday/Yule/Winter/New Year's card/postcard? Leave me your name and address. Comments screened.

I've been moodier than usual lately. (Yes, that IS scary!) The protective veneer I so carefully constructed seems to have worn thin from the ebay revision-conference-Thanksgiving-Xmas barrage. And possibly lack of release as well - haven't been writing, haven't been fucking, haven't been bleeding, haven't been dancing (not that I could much the way my joints have been aching). I've just been busily moving from one task to the next until I get tired and collapse.

Luckily, I have much in the Holiday season to look forward to - parties, cookies, making/buying gifts, looking at lights and all that. I'm pretty damn lucky that I enjoy Xmas so much. I had what seemed like perfect Christmases as a child, and when life started getting screwy, Xmas was one of the few things in life I still enjoyed. We had the big parties and great food and uber decorations and stockings hanging over the fireplace and we went caroling and wow. Now we have small parties and less time, but we still do most of the rest.

And then when Xmas is over I just have to get through a couple months before I head to Florida. I'm a little conflicted - leaving my family and bunnies and petey for a whole 2 months seems daunting. On the other hand...it helped so much to go last April. I even look forward to the drive.

I need to find a forever home for Foster Bunny. I'm not quite sure where to start. Flyer at the vet? Craigslist? Local papers? I want to make sure Foster goes to a GOOD home that can properly care for him...SPOIL him even :) He is not to be kept in a hutch in the backyard! He needs pets and loves and lots of good food and hay and room to run around. Er, hop around.

I got my old DSS worker back, so I sent her a round of bills again. I'm hoping very much that maybe my medicaid can be sorted out so I can make some appointments. Hoping.

My sleep schedule has been ridiculous lately - sleeping for 16 hours, not sleeping at all, sleeping for a few hours, all times of day. Even the sleepy pills didn't seem to help; they seemed to jumpstart me to oversleeping. Even at a lower dose. Part of it is anxiety, I think - I feel that itchy, restless leg energy, only throughout all my limbs. Like a tingling sensation that you can't scratch away. Ugh, I can feel it right now, in fact. And my joints - I can only assume they're hurting so damn much cause I've gotten too fat and they can't support so much weight. But my back goes into stabby fits, especially if I sleep in the wrong position, and my knees hurt whenever I bend them. Not stabby, but achy. I feel so old and immobile whenever I stand up.

I got paid extra for November due to all the ebay listings revisions, so my bank account is safe now. Tight still, considering it's Xmas, but safe. And I got to add to my savings, so the emergency stash is decent. Barring anything unexpected, I should be able to buy/make gifts. I'm thinking of scanning all the old family photos and making photobooks. I mean, like, Grandpa A's old WWII photos, my parents as children, my grandparents when they were young, stuff like that.

Well, that's it for now. I'm tired and hungry and cranky. And I'm supposed to babysit. Totally not in the mood.

You know how sometimes something can eat at you, but you're not sure what it is? I feel that way right now.

I should really be sleeping, but I think I'll need to reach the point of exhaustion to sleep tonite. I could be working, but frankly I just don't want to. My concentration is shot.

Instead I'm watching some disaster porn on the History Channel...with the English turned off. What a nifty little feature I found on our new cable remote! It turns off the words, but not the music and sound effects. It's like watching poetry...really rather artistic. I should watch more documentaries this way. (I've seen this one, Siberian Apocalypse, many times with the words on, so I already know what I'm missing. As interesting as the Tunguska blast was, I don't think I'll learn anything new at this point.)

Conference planning is going extremely well. Finances, programming, registration...everything looks great, with only some minor glitches. I'm quite impressed. I'm also actually looking forward to the conference - I'll be meeting many people from my Facebook for the first time, as well as many old friends, I'll get some Pete time, some blessed hotel time (I love sleeping in hotels...I admit it), some Pizzeria Uno, and maybe I'll get to jump in the pool. Plus, well, I hope I can take some pride in myself for what I've done and helped to create. Nothing validates my efforts more than seeing happy attendees.

In other news, I've determined that I've officially made a profit on those postcards I bought a year ago. Granted, I've been...er...a bit slower listing them on ebay than I expected, but still, a profit is a profit. Plus the unsold postcards will remain in the ebay store - I usually sell a few of those a month and should continue to do so. I'm not sure whether I'll buy another batch of postcards or antique paper goods. I still think building up an inventory on the store could really help me financially...it's just a matter of buying the right stuff, and that can be hard to do. We'll see come January, perhaps.

After the conference I've decided I need to find a home for Foster Bun. I love him and he's a fantastic rabbit, but I think he'd be better off with a family that can spend more time with him. He has a lot of energy and I just don't have much space and time to let him run around. Plus, cleaning up after 3 bunnies is a lot more work than 2, for some reason. I bet I'll find a good home for him...he's only 2 years old, in good health, friendly, and comes with his own cage and accessories.

I'm still scraping by financially this month...well, maybe not as bad as "scraping by", but...anyway. The extra work from the ebay relisting snafu should help me greatly, so while the timing sucks in one way (right before the conference), in another way it helps dig me out of a hole as the holidays come around. I'm trying very hard not to touch my savings, as car repair and new computers and Florida expenses and god knows what else threaten.

But of course none of the previous paragraphs are what I really wanted to write about. It's not the stuff that's increasingly saturated my thoughts. I told my therapist about how emotional I become when I write about my deeper thoughts, about how furious and scared and upset I become. To my surprise, she advised that maybe I SHOULDN'T write so much, or maybe just in smaller chunks. Maybe whipping myself into a frenzy through journal writing isn't that great an idea...and I guess I never thought about it that way. If my emotions surrounding certain subjects are so volatile, perhaps I need some restraint while exploring them. I just...I only know how to turn the tap on and off. Letting the water drip at a moderate pace is so not my style, nor my comfort zone.

Shrug, I dunno. I want to go back and see Karen, the craniosacral therapist. Her sessions were excellent at jogging emotional stuff loose, and I feel a deep need for that. I'd have gone before now if I weren't holding my money so tightly - it's been hard enough paying for my regular therapist and psychiatrist out of pocket, sliding scale notwithstanding. I'm hoping maybe in December I'll be able to afford it...or bribe my mother into paying for most of it.

I had an interesting dream lately concerning caves. I was up in the woods in New York (Newburgh came to mind) with my father. We took a ride through a cave system - it was this out of the way, dinky little attraction. We sat in little cars that rode through the caves, kinda like a Disneyworld ride. I was excited to see what was really in the caves, what they really looked like, and was deeply disappointed to find that the caves had been filled with "scenes." Each cave had mannequins, props, sets, etc., all vintage and kinda creepy, like a ride that hadn't been updated, and the actual scenery of the cave could not be seen at all. I was so disturbed and disappointed when the ride ended.

Well...I'm tired. That's enough for now.

Hi folks!

The Transcending Boundaries Conference, happening Nov. 20-22 in Worcester, MA, is less than two weeks away, and we're getting pretty excited! We have a great registration turnout so far, along with great presenters, great entertainment, a Transgender Day of Remembrance service on Friday, Nov. 20th and Tristan Taormino as our keynote speaker on Saturday, Nov. 21st.

If you would like to attend but have not yet registered, pre-registration over the next week is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED. We have to place our catering order in advance, and we will not be able to guarantee Saturday's lunch to those who register day-of. You can register online at http://www.transcendingboundaries.org/registration/. If you would like to attend but have trouble registering, please email us at transcendingboundaries@gmail.com and we'll try to help.

Here's a brief synopsis of TBC activities:

Friday, Nov. 20th: Transgender Day of Remembrance Vigil & Reception, Open Door Coffeehouse Open Mic

Saturday, Nov. 21st: Workshops on a wide variety of topics related to the bi, trans, intersex, poly and ally communities, a keynote plenary luncheon featuring Tristan Taormino, create-your-own workshops, the play Transfigurations by Peterson Toscano and Happy Hour Burlesque

Sunday, Nov. 22nd: A spiritual observance in the morning, followed by more great workshops

Hope to see many of you there!

Lisa & the TBC Organizing Committee.

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Within a half hour of my parents coming home, I became certain I want to move the hell out. Within an hour, I was not speaking to my mother in order not to shout at her. And now, I am just trying to withhold the rage.

She means well. I love her. She's been an amazing mother and done amazing things for me. She smiled and gave me a hug when she saw me...

then she told me she needed me to help her pick up dad's car tomorrow afternoon. I told her I wasn't going to be around tomorrow, as I was going to Salem with Pete. And man she got angry...and grumpy. (She said she also didn't feel well...I'm sure that contributed to it.) I didn't know she was going to need my car - if you don't tell me, you risk me making plans. I told her maybe we could do it in the morning before I leave, but she continued to be quite grumpy.

Within a half hour, she wanders through the living room and tells me to please do the dishes by tonite. At this point I do a WTF because there are very few dishes in there - nothing that can't wait til tomorrow. (One bowl, a couple glasses, a small pot and some silverware in a double sink.) I ask her why she wants me to do them tonite and she said because she's tired and it would help her out. Granted, I don't think she should do the dishes tonite either, but they DON'T NEED TO BE DONE TONITE. I compromised and told her I would wash them before leaving tomorrow. I was also annoyed, however, because I try to do all my dishes anyway, and I've obviously been doing them for 10 days while she was gone, so she just assumed I wouldn't do them.

That's when I made my FB post that I was certain I wanted to move out.

Another half hour later, she yells at me from upstairs not to leave towels on the floor in the bathroom. I just didn't respond, because my anger was spouting. I understand hanging the towels up when they're wet, but these were dry towels. Also, the reason I didn't take care of them is cause my alarm didn't go off on time, I woke up major late and was trying to rush in a shower before the TBC meeting. And considering I couldn't use the dining room table or comfy couch the whole time they were gone cause they left crap all over it, who cares if there are two towels on the floor in the corner? I don't yell at them about the doorknob constantly coming off or the cracked tile that cuts your feet if you don't walk around it when barefoot.

Finally I go into the kitchen to do the dishes tonite anyway, and I find the clean cans and containers I had on the counter are BACK IN THE SINK. She just assumed I'd left dirty dishes on the counter and thrown them back in the sink. Dammit they were on the counter for a reason! The cans need to go in recycling, which is outside, and between the rain and not feeling well and everything I didn't get to put them out right away. The containers were on the counter because I need to return them to their owners and figured I'd remember better if I put them on the container.

I know it all seems so petty. I know that. But...I just maintained this house and the animals and their business for ten days, even while feeling crappy, and instead of getting a thank you when they get home, I feel I've been treated like I don't know what I'm doing, or been distrusted. I just...it's all the psychology and implications BEHIND her "requests" that anger me. She doesn't think she has any control issues - good lord she's even said she thinks it's her responsibility to make sure everything works out, because otherwise who will do it? And of course things have to work out her way. She tries to be flexible sometimes, but as soon as she's having a bad day or not feeling well...*headdesk* It really doesn't help with my trying to feel independent.

Anyway, this is all bringing my anger issues WAY up. I think her little actions are triggering all my anger. I don't...I don't even know.

I know, I haven't been writing. I'm supposed to be writing daily, and it's been...12 days. Damn. I've had plenty of opportunities to write, great opportunities - I could crank up the music in the living room, chill by myself and write to my heart's content. But...there's always some kind of work to do instead, or I decide I'm too tired, or I find some other way to reason myself out of it. I must conclude that I am hiding from myself again, afraid of what horrible, deep truths may surface when I peer inside, unfettered.

My parents have been gone since Sunday - about a week now. They seem to finally be having a good time in Florida; they emailed me some pictures today. I felt very lonely at first when they left, which I expected, but I've grown accustomed to it now. Being alone up here isn't quite as much fun as living by myself in Florida was, as I have to take care of the critters and the ebay business and I have much less money to play with. Oh, and the beach isn't a 3 minute walk away. I am, however, enjoying walking around naked, decorating for Halloween, and not worrying about getting in the way, or other people getting in my way, or finding privacy, or any of that.

( Housing )

I'm having some meds issues, again unresolved. I really should call my psychiatrist Monday. The mania is gone, so the meds change accomplished that goal, but I think part of my brain left as well. My short term memory and attention span have gone, byebye, so long. I keep blanking out and suddenly coming to and wondering what the hell I'm doing. It's annoying at home, but it's scary when I'm driving! I also keep messing up my vocabulary - using words that are close but obviously incorrect. Like...saying "avocado" instead of "artichoke", to use a benign example. Less benign - using "destroy" instead of "conserve". It feels like some kind of learning disability. Anyway, I think this could all be from stopping the Strattera, which is an ADHD med. My therapist said it could also be the result of the Lithium increase. We'll see what my psychiatrist says...when I remember to call him...

My bank account is terribly low at the moment. I used to be able to keep a little reserve in it, but I'll be near empty by the time I get my next SSDI check. I think I can scrape by. I do have a savings account my mother keeps for me if necessary, but I'm trying to save that money for Florida and the inevitable car repairs and new computer. (My lappy is 4.5 years old now and slow as fuck.) I rolled up my coins tonite - I have about $100 in coins which I can dip into as well. I'm trying to do extra ebay work while my parents are gone to help with next month - I'll have the TBC hotel room to pay for.

I still have Foster Buns, though I've decided I really should find him another home. I don't want to, but I should, for many various reasons. He's young and loves attention, so I'd like to find a family who can give that to him. Plus, keeping up with 3 bunnies in my little room is harder than I thought it'd be!

I ordered some new clothes - I'm trying the leggings with short skirt thing, as long skirts appear to be out of fashion. I'm wearing a shiny pair right now, and I'm liking it. I can sport my pretty littler skirts and yet still not worry about flashing people. :)

TBC is chugging along. I'll feel better (hopefully) when I get a financial report of where we're at. I'd like to know that we have enough money, or at least exactly how much more we need. I suspect I'll be very busy with TBC after Halloween. I'm not terribly worried though, so that's good - a nice change from other years!

Socially there's been some drama...but I am on the periphery. Center periphery, I'd say. I'm trying to play the supportive role to all involved - strangely I seem to end up in that position often.

And now I feel certain I am hiding from myself, because there's an image that keeps popping into my head and I'm NOT WRITING ABOUT IT. I keep specifically shoving the thought back into my brain, explaining to myself why I just can't talk about that. I don't talk about it really to anyone. I only even hint at it with my therapist, though maybe soon I'll trust her enough. I told her about the alter ego states, or whatever the hell she called them, so...ugh. I keep trying to censor my subconscious, but it's so loud. So insistent. I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to look at it. I'm not even sure why it's there. And now I'm crying and this is why I avoid writing...it's scary in here.

Well...I don't really want to leave the post on that note. I'm looking forward to this week - Lake Compounce and a trip to Salem are in the picture, not to mention Halloween. Maybe I'll carve one of those big pumpkins my mother bought.

Now bed.

I'm supposed to write every day as part of my therapy and...well, I've been remiss for several days now. I've written several entries in my head, but every time I sit at the computer, I just end up tooling around on Facebook until I bore and leave. Well, I'm all caught up on my games and statuses and so...I'm forcing myself to write.

Healthwise, my mania definitely waned in the past couple days. Today I definitely felt mildly depressed, but like I said, only mildly. I slept a LOT, well more than 12 hours, maybe more than 16, and when I woke up I didn't want to do a damn thing. I was so tired and dizzy and bleah. But I had some food and gradually felt better.

I think most of the medication transition is complete. I've halved the prozac and gotten rid of the strattera (basically cutting the antidepressants), but I've only upped my lithium by 50% instead of doubling it. I've noticed an increased tremor, increased blood pressure, "lithiumhead" (it's like feeling dizzy and fuzzy in the head), and my digestive issues have worsened. All these are probably due to the increased lithium, so I'd rather not up it any more than I have to. I'm supposed to go for a blood test today (Monday).

My bank account is still unhappy, but stable enough. I haven't felt adventurous enough to try a day trip to Salem or elsewhere, but I'm still hoping. I haven't bought any fall clothes yet, but I definitely need to do so...

I love October and Halloween, even though I feel like I never do enough for it. I have such a gem of a house, full of history, just begging to be spookified. My parents will be in Florida for ten days or so in the latter half of October, so maybe I will extra-spookify the house while gone. And um...invite people to look at it? *shrug* We get so few trick or treaters, and most people I know are already too busy to throw a party. Maybe just a wee social thing.

Sigh. I felt like I had something really important to write about, but I'm drawing a blank. The DSS stuff is still fucked up. I want to go back and see that new therapist I'd had earlier this year (in addition to my usual therapist) but keep forgetting to make an appointment. I'm working on my town cemeteries project again, on a fellow amateur historian's prodding (and with her help.) My grandmother's in the hospital with pneumonia, but she should be ok in a few days.

Foster bun is in better shape, though I can't verify yet whether the fleas are gone. He's gained weight and now holds both his ears up - I guess he was just too weak to before. He's also acting up a bit more now that he's a healthy, strong, unneutered male. I'm not sure yet whether I should try to keep him, in which case I'll have to get him neutered, which would be a tough expense right now...or if I should just try and find him a home like I initially planned. He's not as behaved as Toots is, so I can't let him run around without supervision. Maybe he'd be happier in a home with more space for him. Then again, how would Toots handle him leaving? Eh, I dunno. I have a feeling he'll be staying with me awhile longer, until my life slows down more.

Sigh. Gonna stop thinking now.

I'm supposed to write a little every day...eh, why does this feel so much like work? It didn't used to seem like work.

I spent much of the weekend both withdrawing from medications and at the Berlin Fair. Food consumed: apple fritters, pierogies (with onions and sour cream), corn chowder, mixed berry pie, cheesecake, fried dough with sauce and cheese, a chocolate milkshake and a steamed cheeseburger. Something I ate made my stomach VERY unhappy on Saturday, but everything was nevertheless delicious. I actually didn't sample as much as I wanted, given my unhappy tummy, but that's what next year is for.

I saw BUNNIES! I took a couple very cute bunny pictures :) I also looked at the other animals (except the cows), the petting zoo (best kept petting zoo animals I've ever seen - props to Circle K farm in East Hampton), and some of the exhibits. Saturday was very wet - humid throughout the day with thunderstorms and heavy rain at night. I actually thought thunderstorms at the fair was quite fun, especially watching the lights glow in the rain and listening to a blues band playing. My iPhone kept people informed of the coming weather, and kept me tweeting and Facebooking. Really, I spent most of my time at the Berlin Historical Society sitting on the hay bales. I felt pretty dizzy and tired and achey and sore, so I wasn't in the mood to walk very much.

I managed to score parking each day with my vendors ticket, thank goodness, because I bloody hate taking the bus from Aetna. Crowded school buses and I do not get along. Especially when I live less than 2 miles from the fairgrounds. (Yes, I have walked in the past, but somehow it seemed a bad idea in my condition.)

The trolley pamphlet I created printed out a bit funny, to my annoyance. (My graphics design professional sister said they must have used "fit to paper" instead of leaving the original margins. Grr.) But at least it was informationally accurate and I know I laid it out perfectly. I should just print them out myself next time. I had to restock the box at least once, so I know people were taking the pamphlet.

Now that fair season is over, it's time for HALLOWEEN SEASON! I do love October :) I hope to decorate the house this week. I know I'll also be doing a lot of conference work. And hopefully I'll be feeling ok...thus far, I seem to feel a little better each day.

I'm making a note of this before I forget.

I had a fascinating dream last night, one I've had before. I dreamed there was a third floor to my house, a secret floor between the upstairs and the attic. Sometimes this room is full of secrets, but last nite, the room was nearly empty. Empty and large and waiting for me. I had to enter through a hole in the ceiling, but once I got up there, the floor seemed like several houses put together. It was dusty and derelict, full of spider webs and peeling paint, but I was certain I could live there. I was so excited - I could make a home there, on this secret third floor.

I've had "secret place" dreams before. Often it's a third floor, full of secrets or space or sometimes even people. Sometimes our back house is liveable again and larger than it seems. Once I actually found a secret underground house in our backyard. But I'm always amazed and pleased to find these secret places, and I always feel like I'm sneaking into them.

They remind me of similar dreams, not of secret places in my house/yard, but in town. I've had many dreams where my little village is much bigger than I realized, full of these secret back roads past farms I didn't know existed, rivers and riverfronts and parks and businesses and...my brain has a whole separate version of my town in its dreambanks.

It seems fitting that I'm having these dreams again at a time when my therapy is delving really deep. So, there, I've documented it.

I don't think I've posted this here yet...
------------------
Join us in Worcester, MA this November for the 6th Transcending Boundaries Conference!

On November 20-22, 2009, Transcending Boundaries will hold its sixth conference for bisexual/pansexual, trans/genderqueer, intersex, and polyamorous people and our allies. We are pleased to announce that this year's keynote speaker will be renowned alternative sexualities speaker Tristan Taormino.

This year’s conference will be held at the DCU Center and the Hilton Garden Inn in Worcester, Massachusetts. We’ll take over their conference facilities to foster community, provide safe space, educate ourselves, and overcome societal sex, gender, and sexuality boundaries!

The conference begins with an open mic and Transgender Day of Remembrance reception on Friday evening. We also have workshops planned all day Saturday and Sunday, parties and entertainment on Saturday night, and a keynote luncheon with Tristan Taormino on Saturday. We welcome everyone, from local, regional and national leaders in the bi, trans, intersex and poly communities to newcomers and allies. TBC works hard to make our conference safe, affordable and accessible for all.

Registration materials are available online at www.transcendingboundaries.org.

For more information, contact us:
Email: transcendingboundaries@gmail.com
Web: www.transcendingboundaries.org
Facebook: www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=66095639488
Twitter: www.twitter.com/TransBound
MySpace: www.myspace.com/TranscendingBoundaries

Spread the word!

For those who may have missed this as I posted it elsewhere:

Transcending Boundaries Conference
www.transcendingboundaries.org
November 20-22, 2009
Worcester, MA
Call For Presentation Proposals
*** Please forward to friends and allies as appropriate ***

Deadline: September 15, 2009

We are thrilled to announce the Transcending Boundaries Conference 2009. TBC is a conference for the bisexual/pansexual, trans/genderqueer, intersex and polyamorous communities. In an effort to create an exciting and informative event, we are searching for speakers who are passionate about their area of expertise and want to share it with the community.

Transcending Boundaries began in 2001 as a conference for those who blur the lines of sex, gender, and sexual orientation; and we need your help. We are actively seeking presentations on a variety of topics. Whether you're an experienced presenter or interested in leading a group for the first time, we'd love to receive your proposal.

We are especially interested in presentations that address one or more of the following tracks:

Bi/Pansexuality
Trans/GenderQueer
Intersex
Polyamory
Gender (general)
Allies
Activism
People of Color
Youth
Diversity
Careers
Spirituality
Health
History
Legal Issues


Please see our website www.transcendingboundaries.org/workshops for an expanded list of presentation ideas. We’re also looking for a range of presentation formats: Workshops, panels, roundtable discussions, facilitated discussions, performances, and visual presentations.

The deadline for submitting proposals is Saturday, September 15, 2009. But please don’t wait! If you have an idea for a presentation, send it to us now! Download the workshop proposal form at www.transcendingboundaries.org/workshops or email us at

I guess I need to write or I'll burst out of my skin.

I've had more trouble than usual sleeping the past few nights. I've gone to bed exhausted, after full days, with sleepy drugs in my veins, and still not been able to sleep. I've found my thoughts bubbling and my emotions wriggling beneath my skin. My heart would start beating heavily and then...it was like having restless leg syndrome with my entire body. My whole body felt tingly and I couldn't stay still. Around 8 a.m. I'd finally fall asleep and wake up, after not enough sleep.

I suspected I had a bunch of supressed stress and anxiety and that I was experiencing the physical effects. I've become pretty skilled at suppressing my worries in order to keep functioning. Not letting things bother me is a survival tactic. Unfortunately, maybe I'm too good at it...I don't even realize I'm worried sometimes. I don't realize how upset I am until my body starts telling me.

I guess my body has been telling me for a few days now. Gradually, my anxiety and upset have started squeezing out the cracks into my consciousness. And tonite, I finally cracked, exploding into rage and tears. Well, not completely...I'm still trying to hold some of it back, but man I can fucking feel all my emotions now.

I'm worried about Grandma. I'm worried about the family aftermath when she starts needing more help than my aunt Lynne can give. I'm worried about what we'll do with aunt Lynne and how much I'll end up involved.

I can't stand the health care reform debate - I take it so personally. All I want is everyone in the country to get the health care they need, and watching lies and propaganda and ads and...it grinds on me. It enrages me. I get into these OCD fits, these endless rants in my head, a cycle of obsessive, ruminating thoughts about health care and politics and my past and all that...it's tiring. I'm anxious this will all prove a fruitless enterprise and the unfairness I witness regarding health care will continue.

I'm worried about dealing with DSS. I've never hit a bureaucratic wall this hard before and I suck at confrontation. And I'm annoyed, very annoyed, that I did everything I was supposed to do and still am not covered.

I'm worried about all the friends and family I can't help. So many are out of work or working on reduced pay or unable to go back to college or unable to afford the doctor and I want to help all of them and I can't. I can't find anyone a job or get them to therapy or...I can't make the world a fair place. Most days, I can live with this. But when I see a whole mass of people struggling and I can't help...I get frustrated.

Sometimes the long-term view gets away from me, and then my turtle shell isn't thick enough.

I'm sure a nice, cathartic cry would help...but I'm reluctant. Sometimes I'm afraid of myself. But I think I really need to familiarize myself with that fear and rage inside me before they emerge involuntarily.

It's a pelvis with wings. Obviously. :-P

The closing has taken place...I am an official occupant of a Florida condo!!

I BE A SNOWBIRD NOW!!

If I weren't sick, I'd be out celebrating :)

Condo closing:
The closing for the Florida condo is scheduled for Monday, August 3rd. We have the paperwork - on Monday my parents fax the signed paperwork back and wire the money. SQUEE!!!! Pretty soon I'll be an official snowbird!!! I'm not sure yet how I shall celebrate.

Electronics:
Well, my old iPhone did in fact die while I was writing my last post. I took a recuperation day at Pete's and then made an appt. with the Apple store at West Farms. My phone was still under warranty, so I got a replacement FREE. Squee again! Even cooler, this one has updated software/firmware/whatever it's called - it has more search functions, the copy and paste funcion and some other nice lil upgrades. I almost thought it was a 3GS for a minute, but it definitely doesn't take video. Overall, I'm pleased as punch with it.

I also bought a new FM Tuner/car charger at the Apple store so I could play the iPhone in Aquamouse. (My car does not have an auxiliary port or even a cassette player.) Amazingly, this FM tuner is MUCH better than my previous one. (And it was $15 cheaper.) There's very little interference and much better volume. So, all told, perhaps the death of the iPhone and FM tuner were secretly fortuitous.

The camera I took for a swim...well, it's dead as dead can be, it seems. I've decided to save for a better camera, one that can take professional (or near-professional) quality pictures. I've received many compliments on my photography over the years, and I obviously love taking pictures, so maybe I should see where a better digital camera can take me. I might find an older clunker camera for the meantime...it'll take me awhile to save up enough money.

Clothing:
My latest clothing order arrived today. At this point, I'm pretty sure I never want to shop in a store again...so much easier ordering things! The skirt I received is a TOTAL WIN - I tried it on and wore it all day. It's a pretty, purple crinkle wrap skirt with velcro closure. I was worried the velcro might seem chintzy, but I like it - easier for people to rip the skirt off, should they so desire ;-) The jacket is pretty much a win - I like the look, but it regrettably has no pockets. Still, it's fairly warm and heavy and has a nice flare. The coverup I ordered...well, it's not really a win. It has silly foofy sleeves and is much bigger than I expected. But as it was cheap and on clearance, I'll probably keep it and wear it around the house.

Productivity:
I haven't been as productive as I'd like this week. I finished one small project for the Historical Society...but damn I have a lot to do for TBC and chorewise. And I didn't list a single postcard all July. I'm almost done with them...I have to figure out my next move. I've been investigating different ways of increasing income, but am far from making a definite decision. (Suggestions? Let me know. It has to be something I can do flexibly and while snowbirding.) Since I'm not remotely sleepy tonite, I'll probably try to catch up on some work.

Health:
I'm admittedly behind on making doctor's appts and getting blood tests. I know, I know, I'm bad. I really need to get those blood tests done this week, or I won't be able to get a synthroid refill. But first, I have to kick DSS's ass, as I got a notice in the mail yesterday that they're discontinuing my coverage TODAY. And Medicare doesn't pay for many of my blood tests. According to DSS, I need to show them $644 worth of medical bills before they'll cover me again. Of course, I sent them those bills with my reconsideration forms IN JUNE, TYVM, but they must have disappeared into the ether. So I'll drop copies of the bills off in person on Monday and cross my fingers. Especially because my tooth is hurting again, and no dentist will work on me without Medicaid coverage.

In GOOD news, at least, DSS will start paying my Medicare premiums again. *phew* I've still lost a few hundred dollars overall, but I'm just glad it's fixed for a year.

I have appointments with all 3 of my mental health peeps in August, and that's all out of pocket...but I need it. I feel like I'm at a critical place right now, and all my dreams confirm it. Such amazing dreams...

Relationships:
Last Saturday, Pete and his wife Kassy hung out with most of my family and neighbors at the cottage. That's right - my boyfriend and his wife socialized with my parents, relationship statuses being known, and the world did not explode. I was damn impressed! I had gotten so used to hiding the poly aspect of my life from my parents, and I don't have to do that now. I'm not sure they totally 'get' it, but they accept whoever makes me happy and don't ask further questions. And I appreciate that immensely.

Also, Pete rode the tube while Kassy laughed in the boat. That was probably some of the happiest I've seen the two of them! I'm glad they're part of my life right now.
 

Alright, now back to work...

I've been having some bad luck with my electronics lately. Well, ok, some bad luck and some outright stoopidity on my part. And well...stuff that requires money is just piling up, so I'm feeling the pinch more than usual this month.

Of course, the vacation cost me a good chunk of my July money.

If the condo goes through (still looking good!), I'll be paying a chunk per month that I had otherwise put into savings. Granted, I'll be more than happy to pay that money in order to have my snowbirding property!

I'm in need of some more clothes - I only really have a few daily outfits and I wear them ragged. I can get through summer but it'll be tight again in Winter, unless I suddenly lose 30 pounds or so. So I ordered a new jacket, a skirt on clearance and another large shirt to replace the one I lost. I've tried to defer the payments til October...hopefully that will go through.

On vacation, I ripped apart my FM tuner/charger for my iPhone. I'm using my old iPod FM tuner for the moment, but it doesn't charge. I've decided to just keep using that FM tuner and try to alternate that with a cheaper charger when necessary, rather than spend another large chunk of change on a new combo.

In the stoopidity category, I went swimming with my camera this weekend. Sigh. I've been drying it out, but I doubt it will work again. I don't know if it's just the battery or the whole camera that's dead. Frankly, I'd beat up the camera by accident in April too (got sand in it), so now it's in such rough shape... :( I love having a nice digital camera. LOVE it. This was a 7 MP with a 10x zoom and I took thousands and thousands of pictures these past few years. I've decided if I can't rehabilitate it, I'll use my birthday money towards a new one, though I might have to wait awhile to save up the rest. (I'd rather wait and get another good one than buy a cheapie.)

I'm still having trouble with DSS. I know my Medicaid is in effect, because my meds are being paid for. My medicare deductible, however, is not being paid for, and that's coming out of my monthly check. I haven't received any notification since I submitted my latest paperwork (I should have heard by June 30th.) Calls aren't returned. If the deductible comes out of my August check, I might have to try playing hardball. (You either get hold of a supervisor or sit in the office until someone agrees to see you. Cause you're supposed to make an appointment in order to be seen in person...but you have to do that over the phone...and if you can't get anyone over the phone...you see the problem.)

And NOW...as in JUST NOW...my iPhone is not working. Won't get past the white apple. I'm not panicking yet...I'll try to reset it once I'm done working.

Fuck and a half...

I'm praying hard my laptop doesn't die soon...it's getting ornery. And full. And old. I'm praying the car won't need repairs soon (though it is overdue for an oil change.) And I'm gonna have to spring for that other therapist I was seeing earlier in the year...my brain is trying to scream something at me, and she did an excellent job of bringing my subconscious forward.

I'm VERY glad I get to mooch off my parents right now...I would be so, so, so, so screwed otherwise. As much as I hate it....thank fricking god. Especially on bad brain days like today.

Meh. Overwhelmed, but not panicking. I have a lot of appointments to make and volunteer stuff to take care of and I'm behind on ebay. I'm just gonna have to keep plugging away and prioritizing.

EDIT: I can't get the iPhone to work. I'm about to cry. 

EDIT II: FAIL. FAILFAILFAIL.

But, well, here's a quick rundown.

( As of Aug. 3rd, I may be an official snowbird. )

The condo listing and pix.

Other vacation-y stuff: We did Epcot (and I had a blast), mini-golf (the only mini golf in Palm Beach County), the beach, the pool (the water was about 100 degrees), Loxahatchee National Wildlife Reserve (we saw an alligator - I named it Bennie), Vizcaya Museum & Gardens in Miami (my parents loved it, as I predicted), and a lot of touring around. I also visited Z and her bf while my parents went to a casino. We stayed in the Delray Marriott - gorgeous. We had a partial water view suite but paid for a non-view, which worked out quite nicely. Chilling on a balcony while watching a thunderstorm over the ocean is just AWESOME. I did most of the driving, which I think helped keep me sane, as well as kept me from vomiting again. (I vomited in projectile fashion on the way to the first day.)

Health: I love traveling and I love vacationing, but taking vacations with my parents is stressful. I need a lot of space, privacy, and mental & physical recuperation time. They try to understand, they really do, but frankly adjusting to my needs is stressful for THEM as well. We got along better than in our 2007 Florida vacation - only a couple meltdowns, I think. My mother understands my needs better, but she did grumble a lot about how difficult I was. My father...well, he tries, but he doesn't have much patience. I just took my space when I needed it, took my sleepy pills to sleep at night, apologized when I was grumbly, and tempered the stress with humor.

The landing on the flight home was rough though. Claustrophobia, immobility, stomach sickness, fatigue and a chick chewing gum in my face...not a good combo. But I kept breathing and got through. And now that I'm home, I just want to decompress.

I checked on the bunnies - they both seemed to be fine. The new litter I bought them really works well, as does the new air freshener I got - can't smell the litter trays at all! Toots was eager to greet me, per usual. I checked Misty over quickly (to her dismay). She's so warm and soft to hold. I might have to take her to the vet this week...I'm gonna keep an eye on her food and water consumption. I hate to think her life might be winding down - but we'll see.

I have a lot of work and such to catch up on. I hope I recuperate in time.

Tomorrow is our last day in Florida (for the moment.)

My parents and I have an interview with the condo association at 10 a.m. (crossing all fingers). Then lunch somewhere and maybe a quick stop somewhere before driving back to West Palm. Our flight leaves at around 6:30 pm...hopefully.

I'm worn out. This vacation with my parents wasn't as grueling as the last one, but they still underestimate how much recuperation and alone time I need.

I got to see Z and her bf today, even if she and I were both sleepies.

I have a LOT of photos to upload...eventually.

I miss my bunnies and pete and charlie and all. I have to take Misty to the vet when I get back - she's not eating well. =\

Now, bedtime.

We have made an offer on this condo:

http://www.trulia.com/property/1067043924-2615-NE-3rd-Ct-308-Boynton-Beach-FL-33435

If they don't take our offer, we're willing to pay asking price.

About the complex: it's a 55+ complex, but they rent to under 55 and guests like myself may be of any age. (The only main restrictions - one title holder must be at least 55, and children under 14 are not allowed as permanent residents.) It's just east of I-95, about 5-10 minutes from the beach (Squee!), and surrounded by well-maintained little houses. It's quiet, peaceful, and everyone we met there was friendly. (And half of the people we met were under 55). The complex has two lovely heated pools, a whirpool, and a club house with...well, with stuff I probably won't ever use, but it's lovely anyway. Most of the buildings are newly painted and look MUCH newer than their 1974 vintage. Ours hasn't been painted yet, but the association guessed it would be in about a year or so. It looks fine the way it is - just a bit older due to the color scheme. The grounds are well landscaped and lovely, plenty of open space between buildings, and the buildings and grounds were immaculately maintained. And like a cherry on top, they had a lovely fountain by the main entrance. I like fountains :)

About the condo: It's on the 3rd floor (there's an elevator), facing a quiet side street. Happily, this condo comes FURNISHED. According to the listing agent, whatever we see in the condo we get. (And this includes a lovely Lladro figurine we could probably sell on ebay and help defray costs! Though it does make you wonder if the previous owner died.) The furnishings are tasteful and the condo well-kept, though the kitchen could use some updating. The maintenance fee is low and includes cable. We have a southern view, though we can't see the ocean or anything, just the side street and trees. Best of all, it falls nicely within our price range.

So...I'm crossing my fingers hard! We have to get the seller to accept an offer and get the association's approval first. I doubt the last part should be a problem - we actually met someone on the approval committee already. It was like serendepity.

I'm trying not to be too excited, cause things could still go awry. But I'm HOPING. Very much.

My parents like the area and Boynton Beach more than I thought they would...so all good there. We checked out the area beaches, and they were as charmed with them as I am. And damn, the Marriott is one swanky hotel, at least compared to what I'm used to.

Tomorrow - beach and Loxahatchee and maybe go see the shuttle launch.