Paradox in Flesh.

I've been avoiding posting to lj lately, despite a million thoughts in my head. Frankly, I haven't wanted to confront all those unhappy thoughts by writing about them. I've been running from the hamsters in my brain as if they were armed with Uzis and grenades.

But ok, I'll at least give a mundane update. First off, I've obviously been rather depressed. This is part situational (tired of my situation, worn by other people's problems, etc.) and partly biological (brain chemicals.) I'm spending an awful lot of time lying down, little is cheering me up, and even my appetite is low. I've also had some very deep, interesting dreams which just SCREAM "I'm trying to tell you something!" I saw my therapist yesterday...she said I have to stop running from the hamsters and pay attention. Hiding won't make the depression go away. *pout* I wish it did!

In non-brain news, my parents and I are going to Florida July 13-20, both to look at condos and as a vacation. Granted, I don't really need another vacation so soon, but my parents do...badly. We used their credit card points to buy plane tickets and I got us a nice sale price on a suite in Delray Beach and a rental car. I'm trying to set up appointments to look at some subdivisions in the area, but I'm horribly nervous. I don't know wtf I'm doing, and since we're looking at such low-end foreclosures and short sales, I just...well, I don't even feel qualified to be looking. But I'm trying.

It would help a lot if my parents or I were able to spend just a bit more. But I don't know where to find a few thousand dollars so...we work with what we've got. If nothing else, at least we'll have some contacts and an idea of subdivisions that we like. I hope. If any of the realtors ever get back to me to set up an appt.

We'll also do some touristy things. I got a hotel right across from the beach. I'm a little nervous spending a week with my parents, but I think I can manage it.

In other news, my neighbors have put their house on the market. They don't expect it to sell anytime soon, so I'm not immediately worried, but it still sucks. I'm getting really, really, really sick of this damned recession. Seems like I don't know anyone who hasn't gotten bitten in the ass somehow.

I've been enjoying the cottage and lake when I can get down there. I do love hosting people there, and I hope to spend a night or two in August. Regrettably, my grandmother no longer thinks she's well enough to visit it. We think it's more likely she's too depressed to want to bother. But we've had other new people visit - friends of my aunt Jo, friends of my sis, my brother's gf...I kinda like meeting new people in the comfort of our own property. Now if only it would warm up a bit so I could do more swimming.

I've hated all the rain we've had, but enjoyed the storms.

Um...I don't have much other mundane news. I'm still not in the mood to write out deeper thoughts. Time to eat my Blizzard.

I often joke that I have "OPS" (Other People's Stress) syndrome - the more stress and sadness in the people around me, the more stressed and sad I get. I am simply an emotional sponge, soaking up my environment.

Lately, many people close to me have been having difficulties, and so my OPS syndrome is acting up. Relationship explosions and implosions, life uprootings, unpleasant diagnoses, that kind of thing. Add to that the uncharacteristically grey, coldish, rainy weather of late and my feeling that I'm always running behind, and I've become rather symptomatic this past week or so. A lot of depressed feelings, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, sleeplessness, and it's annoying. Really annoying.

A couple nights ago a snippet of a Muse song played over and over in my head, endlessly it seemed, as I tried to sleep. It was a dramatic piece of melody, accompanied by a gripping sorrow, and I couldn't shake it. Finally I had to get up and keep busy; even Xanax wouldn't shut my brain up.

When I did fall asleep I dreamed I was in a psyche ward with corrupt health workers, trying desperately to exert some control over my own existence. I remember refusing to cooperate with them until they stopped beating this poor young girl, but my efforts were futile. I tried and they just kept beating her. It wasn't hard to guess what that dream represented - I wish I could help all my friends and family in pain, but there's not much I can do. I have trouble just keeping up with myself. If I have this much difficulty controlling my own brain and body, how much chance do I have of effecting good elsewhere?

*shrug* But I'm still plugging along and getting stuff done. Today I managed to do ebay work, finish my DSS redetermination (did I mention I still want to blow them up? Oh, what recipient doesn't...), groom Misty a bit and clean the bunny cages. That's pretty good! Next I need to do some more TBC and Historical Society stuff.

Just keep plugging away and things will get better. It's that assumption that keeps me moving.

1. Saturday I didn't feel well and missed the family day at the cottage, as well as an evening at the casino. Major Bummers.

2. Sunday I had a lovely day with Pete - car cruise, then watching his wife Kassy sing at her church, then some chilling.

3. Today I felt like crap again, mostly cause I couldn't wake up. Still, I made it to the library and some quick grocery shopping.

In good news, it looks like our ebay software problem may be solved. Our current software's company has offered us a much cheaper deal than the $150 previously proposed, which we are tentatively accepting. I'm a little suspicious that they aren't just going to raise the rates later, or that there isn't some catch somewhere, but my fingers are crossed. It would sure beat having to change software.

I have a lot of doctor's appointments to make, blood tests to take, and I am being slow about it. I also have to reapply for state assistance again. Then there's TBC work (crossing my fingers there) and Historical Society work. And a million small chores. I don't know when we're getting to the tag sale, and godonlyknows about the condo search.

Frankly, I have a long to do list and very little energy lately, less than usual even. I think I need to get out of the house more. Somehow being at home tends to suck the energy right out of me. But of course, a lot of the work I need to do requires me being at home so...I need my own personal ass-kicker!

And with that...off to do some ebay...

Huh, I've been out of commission most of today...asleep or woozy. Now that the day is technically done, I have eaten and taken meds and feel ready to go! Yes, at midnite. Good timing. *laughs* Maybe I'll finally get a lot of work done.

The tag sale is most definitely cancelled, though my parents might throw a few things on the lawn Saturday morning. Still, not the whole parade and production. Kinda a bummer, as I was looking forward to it. On the other hand, I won't have to be up ass early either.

I just watched Obsessed on A&E for the first time. (About people with OCD facing their fears thru exposure therapy) Ow...I think it was exposure therapy for me just to watch it. I really had to force myself. I'm not sure whether I feel stronger or more fragile for the experience, but I know I cried, and probably will again. It was like getting a contact panic attack instead of a contact high.

*le sigh* I've done some exposure therapy and other therapies regarding my obsessions and compulsions, but not as intensely or systematically as they did in the show. I do think I'm doing better than they were...my fears no longer keep me from going to restaurants and movie theaters etc. Still...I do give in to my fears a lot. There's just so much of it there, and so widely distributed. Especially with my compulsions - I'm so good at hiding them that I don't have public shame as a driving force to stop. Most people probably don't even know about them. (And yes, I'm keeping it that way.)

Meh, have I bitched lately about being sick? Yeah, well, I'm bitching about it again. I hate feeling so vulnerable...like an injured rabbit.

Anyway, at least I spent most of the day with Pete. I didn't get adequate snuggle time, but I was very glad just to spend time with him. I'm feeling more and more cozy with him, and less scared, and more at home. His smile is infectious :) I get to bug him again on Sunday and that very much pleases me.

Speaking of the weekend, it looks like our tag sale is cancelled. The forecast for Friday changed from partly cloudy to 90% chance of rain...not good. Damn. The sooner we finish the tag sale, the sooner we can start looking for condos.

I did at least find prospective new ebay software...I've been learning it the past couple nights. It's not free, but at least it's $25/mo. as opposed to about $150/mo. I still have a lot of work ahead of me, especially with the image hosting issue, but at least I've taken an important step forward.

Alrite. I really need a Xanax and bed. Really.

So...this month I have to find and switch to new software for my family's ebay business. The service we use now will be going from free to about $150/month. Um, just a wee price hike! Worse, many of our photos are stored at the old service, so we'll have to move them all and change the store listings.

This is really gonna be a pain in the ass.

I have to pick a software, learn it, transfer listings, teach my father to use the software, and figure out how to integrate it with our overall listing process. And then deal with all those old photo hosting issues, which I'll likely have to do listing by listing.

The timing is annoying - my parents are busy putting on an estate sale and we were hoping to maybe look at Florida condos at the end of the month. And I haven't exactly been in the best of moods. Sigh.

But it still beats working in a cube farm.

Well, I'm feeling better right now than I have at any other point these past two days. That's not saying much, but it's something.

Yesterday was just a cavalcade of disappointment and frustration that had me absolutely seething and crying by the end of the day. Really, I had to med myself to keep from throwing one of my charming temper tantrums. Meh. There were ebay disappointments (35 items and nothing sold), date search disappointment and rudeness (bitch at me cause I haven't responded in 3 hours? wtf?), condo search disappointment (looks like we have much less to choose from than we hoped, though it's still not hopeless), bad dreams frustration (I woke up deeply ashamed and full of rage...like I spent the whole night trying to keep my self esteem from committing suicide), parents in bad moods, and a lot of dizziness throughout the day. And, of course, I missed my pete, cause I'm a sap and was looking at FB pix of him having fun in England. Oh, and then I had further work problems right before bed...

Yeah, just one of those days where all the little things added up. I was running very thin on cope.

Today I had a psychiatrist appointment and then another dentist appointment to finish the root canal. This time was MUCH less painful, and I was very thankful. That's probably because they gave me uber amounts of anesthetic. Parts of my nose are still numb, and it's 7 hours later! I also took a half Xanax before the appointment, and boy did that help. I should always be stoned at the dentist :)

I'm still fighting low emotions tonite - low, lonely, defeatist emotions. They attack me after disappointments, wearing away what little energy I have left. I try not to let them, but god I'm tired, and I just can't get everything done that I should tonite. Eh, I can wear dirty clothes for one more day...

I did at least get in some neighbor time - I played with Kathryn at the library and took a walk with A. Kathryn wasn't expecting me today, so when she saw me, she ran to me from the other end of the library with a big smile on her face. A child's freely given embrace is one of the most awesome things in the world.

Alrite, enough rambling. Time for work.

Not only do I feel out of spoons right now, but also out of forks, knives, plates, bowls and serving utensils.

I'm down to napkins and aluminum foil, I swear.

Today was a cavalcade of crap, and my emotions are running on empty.

Tomorrow I go back to the dentist. I don't foresee having an abundance of spoons any time soon.

Time to curl up and try to pretend I'm somewhere else...

Today was not the best of days.

I had my dentist appointment this morning. Pretty quickly, they decided I needed an emergency root canal and pulpectomy to try and save the tooth. I then spent 3 hours in the chair practicing my anti-anxiety skills and thanking god for my high pain tolerance.

It took 3 rounds of anesthetic just to get the pain to a tolerable level, including one round of novacaine directly into the painful pulp. (They had to hold me down for that one.) It wasn't really a surprise...I always have sensitivity issues during dental work. But I didn't count on the extra length of time in the chair causing the anesthetic to start wearing off at the end. By the last half hour I was in one of those pain-dazes...y'know, where you're almost used to the pain and your brain just goes somewhere else?

Oy. I go back next Thursday for more fun. But at least I was able to get the work done, I did not have a panic attack (which impressed me, as no nitrous was available), and my incisor is saveable. They should be able to stick a crown on it, and then my incisors will both be strong, matching, mostly fake, perfect looking teeth. And I can finally get some decent fangs ;)

I stopped by Pete's after the dentist for some comfort hugs, as I knew my parents would not be home for me to vent to. Exhaustion caught up with me there and I napped on Pete's couch. Driving home, I think I fell asleep briefly a couple times behind the wheel...sooo tired. I got home and napped more, hoping I could rouse myself enough for the TBC meeting.

But nope. I got up, gathered together my materials for TBC, blanked out and walked into a wall, and realized there was no way I was awake enough to drive to Springfield. Which annoyed the CRAP out of me because I was really prepared and excited for the meeting!! I mean, we're so close to getting to registration and all the fun stuff dammit. Luckily TBC peeps seemed to understand.

I crashed in bed for several more hours and now...I'm getting in some Whose Line before falling asleep again. I'm also realizing I slept through meds time - eh crap. And I didn't get to Walgreens to refill my Strattera, and I suffer withdrawal from that and am on my last pill, so I HAVE to do that tomorrow.

*CLUNK* I really hate running out of spoons. Makes me feel all weak =\

Now to play some catch-up before I pass out again.

Tooth: I have a dentist appt. for tomorrow morning. How I'll be awake, I don't know, but I'm hopeful.

Charlie: Our dog is doing MUCH better, and I'm thrilled about it! He's back to his old self, both good and bad, and we can let him roam the house again. His head is still slightly tilted, but only slightly. He can shake and jump and...I'm just very happy about it :) He's taking new pills originally given to Alzheimer's patients...he's a bit of a test puppy, but it seems to be working!

Hot water: We have a new hot water heater, and I can once again shower in comfort. That being said, I haven't actually taken a shower yet. lol. I've been tired dammit...

Sleep: I took two sleepy pills last night and still didn't fall asleep until...I dunno...around 9 in the morning. *le sigh* So, of course, I slept through the day again, through the beautiful, warm, sunny day. I might take heavy-duty-sleepy pill tonite and see if that gets me to sleep...but then I might not be able to wake up for the appointment. Meh. Either way, looks like I'll be pushing through the exhaustion tomorrow.

Florida Condo: My parents are still keen on the idea, though they want to get their Mega Big Ass Tag Sale out of the way first. They're talking now about going to the bank and seeing what kind of loan they can get. I am somewhat jealous that I'm missing all the storms down there.

Bunnies: Misty let me PET her this morning! I was very impressed. Toots has become a pet begging machine...such a sweetie.

Conference: Meeting tomorrow. We're getting close to putting registration up I think! Exciting!

Pete: He's going to England for ten days or so on Friday. I will miss him muchly.

Cottage: The cottage is pretty much open, though the beach still needs work and the boat isn't in yet. We might have a small picnic this weekend.

Well...every great day seems to be followed by a day of meh.

A large part of my chipped tooth fell out last nite/early this morning, and it is now painful. My last round of calls to DSS and the dental clinic was never returned, so I'm still unsure of whether I have dental insurance and out of appointments. I hoped to call today but was so woozy and exhausted that I slept through business hours. So...tomorrow I need to call UConn and see if I can still get an appointment with my dental student. If not, I'll have to use the dental ER clinic again and pray they don't just pull the tooth. I'm at least hopeful that I have insurance, as my prescriptions were covered yesterday when I refilled them.

Also today, our hot water heater broke, so I haven't been able to shower today. The plumber didn't call back til tonite, and is supposed to call again tomorrow morning, so I don't know when it'll be fixed. I could really use a shower. I feel gross.

And lastly I still felt crappy after dinner, so I didn't get to my historical society meeting. Bleah.

At least I had a lovely day with Petey yesterday, so that helps make up for the crappy day today. Though it also means I really REALLY need that shower. *cough*

Now I'm craving chocolate. Maybe I should make cookies. What I really should do is work...

I had one major crying fit/anxiety attack on Friday morning, but the rest of the day was alright. Actually I was asleep for much of the rest of the day, but still, I felt ok when I was awake.

My iPhone started malfunctioning, which gave me several hours of distraction. Took me a few hours, but I got everything working on it again. (Had to restore it. Bleah.)

My parents were at Brimfield all day, so I watched after Charlie inbetween my naps. I hated wasting such a beautiful day in bed, but I was so exhausted from being up all night. (My neighbor had gone to the ER and I was babysitting.)

My neighbor seems to be ok - in lots of pain, but it should pass with treatment. They didn't call me for help today, so I assume they're handling things well enough.

Charlie the Terrier seems...well, mildly better, but certainly not the same. The vet called with his final test results, and with no sign of infection or urinary problems, it seems most likely he's had a small stroke. His cognitive functioning is just somewhat impaired, hence the peeing in the house. He's still just as loveable, and still begging for food at every available moment, but I can tell his behavior is somewhat off.

It reminds me of when my Grandfather started showing signs of Alzheimer's. He was still Grandpa...but not quite the same man. It makes me sad. I hope we take Charlie to the lake plenty this year...just in case it's his last. The vet did order some special brain meds, and we're hoping that will help.

Also in the way of brain news, I'm having intensely submissive sexual dreams again. I'm still not sure why I have these dreams. Do they actually have to do with sex or do they represent something else? Why are they partly lucid? Am I just trying to get off in my dreams? All I know is they're extremely distracting to wake up from, not only because of their sexual nature, but because of their intensity.

I guess that's it right now. I should be doing some work. Today we head down to the cottage to finish opening it up.

Whenever things get crazy and my brain goes spazzy, I remind myself that all I have to do is keep breathing. As long as I still breathe, I'm alive, and that's the most important thing.

I had some anxiety about coming home from Florida, mostly of the nonspecific variety. Free-floating, I think they call it. Well, this week the anxiety exploded into my consciousness, like a high-speed train into a suicide victim.

Oooowww. I don't like it.

My emotions seem convinced, absolutely convinced, that some really, horrible, devastating thing is about to happen. My life is about to fall apart and I am on the cusp of experiencing some heart-wrenching loss. While I have a few minor things to worry about at the moment, there's no real threat to match this fear. Overall, my life is going rather well. According to my therapist, that may be the problem. I'm so used to my life falling apart at regular intervals that I've conditioned myself to fear progress. My life feels like it has a direction, a prospect, a plan, and that's never happened without being followed by disaster and unbearable pain.

Accordingly, I can also feel myself walling off positive emotions. If I stop hoping and wanting and caring, then maybe the loss won't hurt so much when it comes. I'm TRYING not to do this, since I know I don't really need to defend myself. But man, it's hard.

The anxiety was mostly in the background in my mind, not really getting in the way, until Tuesday this week. I woke up feeling both the mental and physical signs of anxiety. Mentally I alternated between disconnectedness and panic, and physically I was extra shaky, disoriented and nauseous. I went over Pete's anyway, since that had been my plan, but I probably should've stayed home. I was pretty much a wreck there. I tried to hide it as much as I could, but between my crying and hiding and overall demeanor...it was obvious. I felt too sick to even drive home, so I crashed at his house, fending off panic attacks until finally digging a Xanax out of my purse.

I felt a little better on Wednesday until the evening, when I broke into terrified tears again. Man, I just felt like the world was ENDING. There would be no condo. My dog was going to die. My relationship with Pete was going to end. I was never going to make any money. My body was revolting and sick and I would soon end up in the hospital. All those really horrible, scary thoughts just ricocheted through my brain like stray bullets. I took another Xanax, informed my mother of my situation, and tried to distract myself. (We played Yahtzee!)

Yesterday I felt exhausted...like I was dragging anvils behind me. I slept most of the day and was in decent enough spirits by nightfall. And, well, I haven't slept since then. (I spent most of the time at my neighbors helping them with an emergency.)

And now I have no idea what to expect this coming weekend. My therapist is now on vacation, though I guess I could call her cell if necessary. I just don't want to be so terrified and vulnerable. There's no real reason for this feeling of impending DOOM. I'll just keep trying to cope, and hopefully my brain will settle down.

So, now that I have deemed my Florida snowbirding experiment successful, I'm developing plans to continue spending late winter/early spring down there.

Throughout my vacation I looked at real estate in the Boynton/Delray area and discovered that condo prices are unbelievably low. Once I returned home, I showed some of the listings to my parents in the hope I could convince them to buy a condo with me. I thought it would take master selling skillz on my part, but to my surprise, they reacted very positively to the idea.

Financially, my parents would take care of the downpayment and pay a little bit each month. I would pay most of my monthly savings that last year I put towards the Florida rental. Legally, we'd put the condo in my parents' name, but I would have first dibs on its use.

So I've been keeping tabs on listings in the area in our price range, asking questions here and there. My parents are hoping to fly to the area in June or July to look at condos and hopefully make an offer. (Yes, I know it will be extremely hot then.) There are a couple complexes we're looking at in particular - not too far from the beach, decent neighborhoods, pools, all ages, pet friendly, and leasing allowed.

I'm trying not to get too excited while still remaning hopeful. I would love, absolutely goddamn LOVE, to have a place to escape to when I really need a period alone, to spend the dreaded Marches and Aprils in warmth and sunshine, and to have some piece of property I don't feel like a total mooch on. Something I can really say is, at least partly, mine. And the current divebomb in real estate prices in South Florida gives me that chance...if I can work it out with my parents.

So, that's my plan at the moment. I'll still be living with my parents the rest of the year, at least for now. Luckily, with summer coming, the lake cottage will be available as an escape. (I know, we sound spoiled, don't we?) If the condo idea doesn't work out, I'll try to rent another place next April. But really, I think the condo would be a great step towards greater independence.

*fingers crossed*

I finally returned there tonite - Sumner Avenue, Springfield. I don't think I'd been there since 3 years ago, when my family moved me out of my apartment...after my nervous breakdown. Once the last item was removed, I sank wearily into the minivan seat and never looked back. But I had a meeting tonight at my friends' house, and they just happen to live a few blocks away from my old apartment.

I had never been to their house before. I've had several invitations, but I always found some excuse not to go. I wanted to believe that my reluctance had nothing to do with the location, but as I drove down Sumner this evening, tears welled up in my eyes. I guess I was reluctant to see the old haunts again. I drove past where I used to park, past my building and apartment, past the Friendly's I used to walk to, past the park...I didn't actually break into tears, but it did affect me.

Luckily I was soon distracted by the meeting and friends, and the pain lessened. I'm sure each time I visit, new memories will replace (or at least overwhelm) the old, making it easier.

Sometimes I wish the past would just disappear...but life rarely works that way. All my fears and disappointments wait for me to confront them, one by one.

I've decided to do a Florida wrap-up post in list form, as I'm too tired to write properly.

Things I did in Florida (in no particular order):
Miami Zoo
Miami Seaquarium
Butterfly World
Loxahatchee National Wildlife Reserve
Drove the Tamiami Trail
Saw the smoke from a wildfire
Saw gators and other wildlife in the Everglades (mostly in Big Cypress National Preserve)
Visited Sharon and met Neal
Vizcaya Museum and Gardens
Lounged on the beach and played in the water (at Gulfstream Park)
Listened to music on the porch and wrote
Sightseeing on Route A1A
Sightseeing (mostly unintentional) through rural South Florida
Saw Lake Okeechobee (briefly)
Listened to 64 Toy Pianos
Sightseeing in St. Augustine (including a 'ghost tour')
Chased a thunderstorm
Watched the sunrise over the ocean
Looked at some real estate
Cuddled with Pete when he visited :)

Things I liked about South Florida (again, no particular order): warmth, the beach, sunshine, Sharon and Neal, surfer boys, chicks in bikinis, having space to myself, food delivery, lizards, lots of greenery and flowers, pretty houses, all the little doggies, palm trees and coconuts, wildlife and wilderness, fountains, central A/C

Things I disliked about South Florida: aggressive drivers, senile drivers, almost complete lack of blinker usage, the current drought, lack of bunnies, lack of history (compared to New England, though at least there was an overabundance of it in St. Augustine), not enough ice cream places, higher crime rate than I'm used to.

Things I missed about home: my family, friends, and pets, bunnies and other furry wildlife, hills and curves, my usual stores. I missed my house, to some extent, but not its chaos.

All in all - the trip was fantastic. I suspected spending early Spring in Florida would help my mental health, and once I got past the loneliness, my mood did lift significantly. Hugely. My therapist noted the difference immediately during my recent session, and my parents acknowledged how well I sounded throughout the month. I hope to snowbird again, though that's another post.

If you're ever bored and want to look at my photos...all 936...you can find them here. At some point I'll put my favorites on Facebook.

Charlie, my family's cairn terrier, started acting funny suddenly last weekend - his head tilted, he couldn't walk straight, he was vomiting, peeing around the house and wouldn't eat. Mom and I rushed him to the ER vet where they diagnosed him with "Old dog vestibular disease." They said no one knows what causes it, but that it might be an inner ear infection or small stroke.

Last Thursday we took him back to our regular vet, concerned he hadn't improved as much as we expected, especially concerning peeing in the house. Our vet ruled out kidney disease or any other urinary problems and said she suspected he'd had a small stroke and had forgotten his training.

So we've confined poor Charlie to the kitchen and are giving him various medications. He no longer walks like he's drunk, and can mostly manage the steps in and out of the house, but his head is still tilted. His appetite has mostly returned (with the help of soft food), but he's still urinating in the house, even right after being outside for long periods of time. He can't seem to hear well anymore and just seems a bit...confused.

I feel so bad for him. He loves to spend his evenings curled up in his bed beside me as I work, but now he's relegated to the kitchen. I give him scritches and loves every time I go in there, but he can't follow me. He still wags his tail and seems happy, for the most part. I let him walk in the yard with me and he stayed close by.

We're still waiting for some tests to come back from the vet. Her current advice is to "re-train" Charlie to pee outside. Um...it took us five years to teach him the first time. He's not bright. God help us, I hope we can train him this time. And I hope he recovers well enough to go to the cottage with us - he used to love wading in the lake and taking boat rides.

I feel like I have a dozen lj entries in me, but let's get the frustration out first.

According to a letter from DSS, they have discontinued my state medical assistance (which covers my medicare deductible and dental) because I failed to complete the review process. They cut me off on 4/30. Interestingly, I have this other letter from February where they approved my medical assistance until July. I shouldn't have to complete a review process until June. So....wtf?

I've called and left messages with my case worker, but actually getting someone on the phone is damn near impossible. I had to cancel my dentist appointment this afternoon - the one where maybe finally my chipped tooth could have gotten worked on. I've been going through this dental school process for months just to get my damn teeth fixed, and that one tooth has been chipped since last summer or fall and is starting to hurt.

DSS incompetence is just frustrating. Bureaucratic incompetence is frustrating. Sometimes you send in paperwork and they don't receive it. Sometimes their version of math seems to differ from the rest of the universe. Sometimes they send mail and you never get it. For instance - they refuse to send mail to a PO box. Unfortunately, that's where my family's mail goes - we DON'T HAVE a mailbox. We can't get mail at the house. Our post office usually forwards mail sent to our street address to our post office box...usually. But some of it ends up return to sender.

It sucks enough feeling like a leech on society - dealing with an incompetent bureaucracy and a system that makes no sense just makes it worse sometimes. The system leaves me at the mercy of people dumber than me. I know that sounds harsh but...really.

Just as well I pay out of pocket for my mental health care.

This makes me both sad and nervous. My psychiatrist is located one block away...I go by there all the time. I'm about 15 minutes from Wesleyan.

A Wesleyan student was shot and killed in a midday shooting at a popular cafe near the Wesleyan University campus, officials said.

Around 1 p.m. today, a witness said, someone entered the Red and Black Cafe, inside Broad Street Books at the intersection of William and Broad streets, approached a woman and fired multiple shots.

http://www.courant.com/community/news/mr/hcu-middletown-shooting-0506,0,6172233.story

Wow. I slept 19 hours yesterday. That's not the amount of time I spent in bed...that's how much I actually slept. I woke up briefly inbetween, but felt so heavy and dead and dizzy that I just collapsed back into bed. Hell, I only drank about 10 oz. of grape juice that whole time.

This whole week I've been sleeping a lot. Bleah. I wish I knew exactly what sparks these sleepy periods - they're so frustrating. It's like living in brain fog with anvils tied to my limbs.

Anyway, I'm up now at least. I showered, had some much needed food and drink, and enjoyed the warm winds on the porch. I'm getting together with Z tonite, and I'm hoping very much to finally do something today. I should probably head far away, where my bed can't tempt me!

I talked to my mother on the phone yes....I mean, 2 days ago. Misty the rabbit is having problems...again. *facepalm* At least now I know it's not my fault. My mother is cleaning the cages and floor twice a day, keeping up on the meds and care probably better than I do, and poor Misty is still getting skin and eye infections. I should do something extra-nice for my mother when I get back for taking care of the buns. She loves Toots, as everyone does, but she's regaled me with many stories about Misty's orneriness. "She hates me! She just fights and grunts and scratches whenever I go near her." I reassured my mother that Misty doesn't like anyone...she's just a poor, sick, cranky bunny.

I'm starting to almost look forward to returning home. I miss Pete and my bunnies and little Kathryn...not to mention my family. And I'm looking forward to opening the cottage.