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Awake deep in the chasm.
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Oct. 30th, 2008 | 11:18 pm
location: living room
mood: 
sad
music: History Channel
I am abjectly sad today. Melancholy. I feel like I woke in an emotional abyss. Or a deep cave. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to get my costume ready. I didn't want to go shopping. But I've done them all anyway, slowly.
I remind myself that it's ok to have days where I'm just sad. But dude, they suck. I want to curl into a ball and forget everything. I feel lonely, even when I'm not alone. Sigh. On days like this I get so angry.
Anyway. I forced myself out to buy some necessities - razors, makeup, gift for Mom, kitty litter. I stopped at a Spirit store to poke around. As I perused the costumes and accessories, I kept muttering..."huh, I already have this...I wear something like this every day...have this...have that..." Eventually, I looked down at myself, and up at the costumes, and realized apparently I'm already IN costume. Every day. Then in the kids' section they had a whole section to "dress up as a goth", and I realized, I AM a costume. Wow. I guess that's flattering.
Really, I was surprised how much they had for sale that I already owned. Black wings, horns, pentacles, chokers, witch hats, fake blood, pale powder, really dark eye makeup, black lipstick, black nails, big boots, feather boas, fishnets, etc. And other things I had the real counterparts to, so buying fake ones makes no sesnse. Daggers, creepy looking goblets, Victorian lanterns...whatever, they're all hanging around my house.
I got out the rennie dress I'll wear tomorrow and probably Saturday - it still fits, but needs ironing. I'm washing the cape. I pulled out the fake blood, makeup and jewelry, and I'll peruse the house later for accessories. And maybe paint my nails. Tomorrow I'll decorate more outside and get it all ready for the few people who will come.
I also want to do a ritual of some sort tomorrow, but I haven't decided what exactly yet. It'll be at home or close to it, though. I feel a need to connect.
I really hope I'm not so sad tomorrow. I probably wouldn't look suitably scary to the kids if I was crying.
I remind myself that it's ok to have days where I'm just sad. But dude, they suck. I want to curl into a ball and forget everything. I feel lonely, even when I'm not alone. Sigh. On days like this I get so angry.
Anyway. I forced myself out to buy some necessities - razors, makeup, gift for Mom, kitty litter. I stopped at a Spirit store to poke around. As I perused the costumes and accessories, I kept muttering..."huh, I already have this...I wear something like this every day...have this...have that..." Eventually, I looked down at myself, and up at the costumes, and realized apparently I'm already IN costume. Every day. Then in the kids' section they had a whole section to "dress up as a goth", and I realized, I AM a costume. Wow. I guess that's flattering.
Really, I was surprised how much they had for sale that I already owned. Black wings, horns, pentacles, chokers, witch hats, fake blood, pale powder, really dark eye makeup, black lipstick, black nails, big boots, feather boas, fishnets, etc. And other things I had the real counterparts to, so buying fake ones makes no sesnse. Daggers, creepy looking goblets, Victorian lanterns...whatever, they're all hanging around my house.
I got out the rennie dress I'll wear tomorrow and probably Saturday - it still fits, but needs ironing. I'm washing the cape. I pulled out the fake blood, makeup and jewelry, and I'll peruse the house later for accessories. And maybe paint my nails. Tomorrow I'll decorate more outside and get it all ready for the few people who will come.
I also want to do a ritual of some sort tomorrow, but I haven't decided what exactly yet. It'll be at home or close to it, though. I feel a need to connect.
I really hope I'm not so sad tomorrow. I probably wouldn't look suitably scary to the kids if I was crying.