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Apr. 8th, 2013 | 08:44 pm

I just killed 12 years of my life.

I'm so tired of struggling. I'm tired of trying. If I can't save myself, why bother trying to save anything else?

I had a great day yesterday. Today I feel dead. And scared. And hated.

I don't know the last time I was really myself. Unless you count being a quivering piece of fat whimpering and screaming on the carpet. Never do I feel more real than when I'm in absolute terror of reality.

Sharon told me to take a break from my work, volunteer and otherwise, to take care of myself. I'm terrible at that. There's always something I feel I need to do. And then, taking care of myself is a lot of work too, most of which I don't want to do. If only taking care of myself meant convalescing in bed instead of eating right, exercising, going outside, keeping busy, keeping up with hygiene.

Sometimes I would rather be a mess of flesh on the carpet.

I woke up after 16 hours of sleep today. I dreamed so deeply I didn't know where I was when I awoke. I thought I was in a dream hotel off a dream highway in an unknown state. I wish I had been.

I'm lonely. I'm crushingly lonely. Except when I'm glad to be alone. I go from 60 to 0 overnight. From dull to dazzled in one eyeful of color.

I haven't harmed myself. I have no plans to harm myself. I just don't want to be me anymore.

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Comments {2}

orange crush

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from: orangecrush5
date: Apr. 9th, 2013 01:31 am (UTC)
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I love you lisa. <3

*hugs*

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nixtoatl

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from: nex0s
date: Apr. 9th, 2013 12:19 pm (UTC)
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I'm so sorry.

Did your rabbit die? I can't tell from this entry, and after your entry on FB I'm worried about you.

Please please please take care of yourself. I know that inside the depths it feels like it will never pass, but it will, and you'll rise again.

You're in my thoughts. Listen to Sharon. You are loved.

N.

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