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Apr. 11th, 2013 | 01:16 am

People like to imagine things as spectrums, as two-dimensional lines on which we slide back and forth or occupy one point. Sexuality, gender, spirituality, finances, health.

It's not bullshit. It's just inadequate. Things move in more than two directions. Side to side, up and down, diagonally, in circles. Pinpointing someone's sexuality or mental health requires understanding a great many characteristics, how they interact and how they move.

Right now, my mental health feels so convoluted and in the muddiest of waters that I don't know what to do with it. I feel like I am stuck in a corner, trying to tread out softly on the quietest of slippers because I'm afraid to make a noise. Until the light turns on, and I want to dance and drink the world. I am not one person, not affected by one illness, I am not my illness, and yet I am informed by it. I am a tapestry of complicated, and I say this not just because I feel it, but because others say it as well.

There are so many elements to mental health. Depression, mania, anxiety, obsession, compulsion, phobias, attention deficit, lack of concentration, jealousy, delusions, anger, hallucinations, panic, triggered behavior, dysphoria, flashbacks, paranoia, dissociation, multiple identities, and probably plenty of things I've forgotten. I've dealt with...most of those. Just in the past fucking month. Just constantly. Imagine trying to map and understand all of that? It's no wonder so many psychiatrists have turned me away. My therapist does my best to assure that I just have very complicated and unfortunate brain chemistry, and that's all it boils down to. Just unfortunate luck. Well, that and some unfortunate trauma. She reminds me I am not a monster, but just a human with an unusual mix of genes. I appreciate that, because I don't want to be a monster or a lost cause. At the same time, sometimes I want certain symptoms to be taken more seriously.

I don't have more to say than this right now. I want to map myself out, but I just feel a rush of confused tidbits that I have difficulty teasing out. Maybe I just have to wait.

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